The Question Which Must Not Be Asked

There is a question which must not be asked. There is just never a time to ask it, even if you absolutely feel you're sure you can ask it being certain you know the answer. Do you know what I'm talking about? If you're a woman 18 years or older, you probably do. You probably have experience with it and know the pain of being asked the question when the answer is no. Know the question now? Here it is:

"Are you pregnant?"

There is nothing quite so soul-crushing or confidence-depleting as that question when the answer is "No". 
The first time someone asked me that question was during my student teaching year. A well-meaning 3rd grader asked if I was pregnant. Not even being married at the tender age of 22, I was kind of shocked that it even occured to that child that it was a possibility. Regardless, I turned bright red, sucked in my gut and fought back tears. I think I laughed and said "No, I'm not even married." That was the first time I dealt with that question and it stuck with me in the worst kind of way. 

The next time was just after I'd had my son, Colin, and was maybe 2 months post-pardom. I gained more than my fair share of weight with both of my pregnancies, but looked especially haggard after having Colin, my first-born, via c-section. I went to a dermatologist appointment wearing a white shirt and, all proud of myeslf, non-maternity jeans. Pride goes before the fall, people, and I fell hard. The receptionist asked how far along I was in my pregnancy. Ouch. I said I'd just had my baby and she just kind of looked stunned and asked when I'd like my next appointment. I stood there feeling extra muffin-toppy in my tight jeans and gave her a date I determined I probably wouldn't want to fill since I didn't want to face her or more potential embarrassment again.

The most recent time (that I can remember as I feel like it's happened more than just the 3 times...) was today. I went over with my boys to my neighbors' house to say thank you for a super cute Easter gift she left on our porch for our boys. My other neighbor was there and the first thing out of her mouth was "Are you pregnant??" in a sort of aghast tone. I said (regrettably) "No, thankfully not." My other neighbor said "Oh she's just holding Ethan in a motherly way" or something. I sucked in my gut, mumbled something about how I shouldn't has said "thankfully not" and felt extra fat.  

Welp, I've just described 3 of the worst moments of my life. And no, I'm not exaggerating. Seriously, that is the most painfully offensive question for me (and for many women). Each time I've been asked, I'm in the midst of an upswing in my weight and am trying to lose the extra pounds. Also, I tend to never wear the outfit I sported the day of the questioning ever again thinking that has got to have something to do with it. I also resolve to work on my posture. I struggle with body image and feel fat most of the time. I have an ideal weight (don't we all?) that is hard to achieve but since I was at it for about 1 1/2 years, I think I always should be. That's a struggle for me, for sure. Currently trying to lose weight and struggling, this was a certain confidence blow. ((What's that tub of ice cream? You say you'd like me to eat you in one sitting? Let's try not and hopefully using this experience to motivate some change in unhealthy habits instead.)) 

Here's the thing, though. I think that no matter who you're talking to- a round tummied, self-critiquing girl like me (who has never, since I was born, had a flat tummy) or an uber-confident girl-- this question should just not be asked. Even if you think you're sure,  let them say something first about the subject. I may have made this mistake in the past (I can't remember doing so, but I'm guessing I did before I became aware of the pain it can cause), but I never will again. It may sound too strict, but really, I just don't want to risk causing that kind of pain (oh and let's not even get into the fact that some women may be struggling with infertility).

So, my stance is never ask. Well, what happens if you do by some accident? What to do in that embarrassing moment when the asked-woman is trying to laugh it off and fight back tears? 

-Apologize. The people in my scenarios didn't apologize. It would have done me a world of good to hear "I'm so sorry, I didn't realize" or something along those lines. Just a simple "I'm sorry!" would suffice. This is probably enough, because believe me, the lady probably wants to move on.

However...
-Following up with a compliment can't hurt. 

-Giving a short version of why you thought that can be helpful. "Oh! The way the wind caught your empire wasted shirt, I thought I saw a tiny bump" or "My mistake, you're flat as a pancake." ...maybe that would come across fake, in which case you could say, "Oh, I must have babies on the brain!" or "Oh, I guess I was just hoping you were pregnant- you make such cute babies!" or "Oh, I am wondering now why I even thought that. You don't look pregnant at all. I spoke before I thought!" and so on. Ease the poor girl's mind or she'll be feeling fat for the rest of her day/month/year/lifetime.

So, what are your thoughts on this subject? What is your experience with "The Question Which Must Not Be Asked"? I hope you don't have any, but my guess is you do.

And I'll leave you with this perfect visual for the subject matter...

Running the Race- Blog Redo

Over the past few months on my daily run, I ponder big life issues, random thoughts, the view, the feeling of wind in my hair and my legs moving me forward and everything in between (including anymore cliche running thoughts one can think of).

Lately I keep thinking- "That could be a good blog entry" or "I'd love to post that on Facebook, but it's too long" or "I'd love to post that and get some feedback from people" or "I'd love to record this thought for future reference or to sort of keep track and hopefully learn from it". 
So, in keeping with those thoughts and hopes, here I am again: blogging. Blogging and I don't have a great relationship, but I've been getting more involved in the blogosphere (if that's still the correct term) and want to be a part of it. 

So, let's do this. 

Today is Good Friday. Many say this is not exactly an appropriate title for the day on which Jesus sacrificially died on the cross for the whole world even though He didn't deserve it and didn't have to do it. The BC comic below eloquently states the irony: 

Right on, BC. Right on.

Today, though, I have been thinking of it on a more personal level. My church, wcrossing.org  did a Good Friday-esque service last week because they have like a billion services for Easter so they do Easter services on Friday. I really appreciated their focus on the Good Friday style service (even if it sadly meant no focus on Palm Sunday. It's a give and take, I suppose, always.). The service focused on what the cross means for us. 

The point that hit me the most, and of course made me cry as most services and moments with God do lately, was when Pastor Greg explained that when Jesus cried in the garden and asked God to "take the cup" of suffering away from him, it translated, in part, to meaning "I'm homesick".

 Jesus was homesick. That never occurred to me in such plain terms. Homesick. That feeling that I live with daily being 16 hours away from the place I love and call home. Homesick. The empty feeling, the feeling like you can't breath and just wish you could run, literally in my case, back home. Homesick. The feeling of missing family and friends and events that will never happen again. Homesick. The feeling of just not fitting in, not understanding the culture and not preferring the natural surroundings (I'm a desert mountain girl, and apparently that's not changing). Homesick.

In a very self-centered view, I felt so understood and so empathized with by Jesus. He totally gets it. Totally. More than I do, in fact. I realize Good Friday and the cross is not all about me- not even close. But in that moment, I felt like God was telling me "I get it. It's super hard. But you know what? I've been there. I took the cup of suffering- the homesickness. The being away from the ones who love Me and the hard times- to the nth degree because I was forsaken by my Father God. I did it so you don't have to be separated from God. I can carry you through your homesickness and hard times." In the grand scheme of things, I tend to think I'm super weak for being taken out at the knees by something like homesickness (imagine me facing cancer, I think, pretty sure I'd wimp out after the first moment). But then I heard this message and I remembered that God cares about the hairs on our heads, the details of our plans and lives and cares. More than that, He relates and walks with me in my suffering. 

What the what. Amazing. God shows me again and again He is all I need. My heart needs to hear that and I need to allow it to change my heart and focus on Him and run to Him daily. A daily struggle yes, but this moment was one more way God showed me His love. 

MDO Follow Up

God has been so good to us and to Colin in that Colin has had a great couple of days at MDO!

After my first post about his first day, his second day was not so good. I had to go pick him up mid-day because he was too upset to take a nap and needed to go home. Poor little guy! He was pretty upset and we didn't want him to have a bad association with MDO or his teachers. So Deron went and got him (thankfully he's in the same building!!) and then I came up. Colin was super tired! He was still a little upset- he even cried when we put him in the car and Deron said goodbye. He took a good long nap at home and was all better that evening.

The next week, I was not so excited about taking him. I was just nervous about him not ever liking it and feeling like we were torturing him taking him there. However, when we got there, his reaction was not as bad as the first two times. It was hard to leave him but his teachers are so kind and really help him adjust (mostly by distracting him with snacks... whatever works :))

He had a great day and napped a long time. So, we took him Friday that week too and he did great again! Every time he's gotten more adjusted to it. He cries when we initially leave the room but his crying has gotten less each time.

Now my only concern is that he doesn't nap as long as he does at home and I'm concerned his naps at home will be shortened because of that....Doesn't seem like it'll happen since he's SO tired from MDO and loves his sleep... but still, kind of makes me wonder...

As for me, I still feel weird taking him and then when we pick him up I feel like we're readjusting or something...I think it's because he's so tired that he's just kind of not that enthusiastic...But I am happy he's going and enjoying it, learning to respect other adults and making friends.

I'm also getting quite a bit done while he's there so that's always nice. I feel less stressed, too, which is nice. However, I've determined that I take better naps when Colin's at home then when he's at MDO....weird.

So, I did want to say thanks for the encouragement from fellow Mamas about taking Colin to MDO. You all are great Moms and I really appreciate you sharing your stories and encouragement :)

A Few of My Favorite Things

Sometimes I read blogs and the author really seems to know themselves well. I don't always feel like my tastes are all that distinct or strong. I like to do most anything and I'm pretty casual. So, in an effort to get to know myself better and because the blogger settings thing asked if I wanted to create a "favorites" list, here's a list of a few of my favorite things:

Running (outside especially)
Going on walks

Annual Turkey Trot and 4th of July Run

Romans, Psalms, and Jude

CS Lewis

Playing with Colin and Deron

Traditions in all seasons (I love all seasons- Spring and Fall might be my favorites though...)

Watching comedy with Deron

Interior Design

Organizing

Analyzing counseling case studies

Solution Focused Therapy

Alfred Adler

Art and Play Therapy

Genograms

Cooking/Baking

Albuquerque, NM

Breckenridge, CO

Meals with my familes (Hamburger and Yevoli)

Playing card/board games

Passion ministries/music

Shane and Shane

Libraries (I love to see new ones and spend time there)

Children's Literature

When Colin's clothes are super cute and coordinated

When Deron gets home from work and seeing Colin's happy reaction

Sweet Tomatoes/Souper Salad

Olive Garden

Breakfast foods (especially at restaurants)

Dion's Pizza/Salad/Subs

NM Green Chile

Scrapbooking (when I have time to focus on it...)

Anne of Green Gables/Avonlea (movies and books)

Easy read/non-violent mystery books

Shopping at TJMaxx/Marshalls with my Mom

My Dad's homegrown veggies

Canasta with my Yevoli family

First Day of MDO

Colin had his first day of Mom's Day Out (MDO) today! The day I've been looking forward to and anticipating for so many months finally arrived! To say I had mixed feelings would be an understatement.

MDO is such a blessing since we don't have Grandparents in town to babysit every now and then for free. MDO provides a Christian environment for Colin to go to where he can play, learn and have some social time. He also learns how to be away from Mama and Dada for a bit. It also gives me a chance to run some errands and work on projects around the house. I'm also able to get in some relaxing and alone time.

So... the night before the big first day, I was kind of a mess. I've really been nervous about it but praying about it and really trying to give it to God- knowing He'll be with Colin through it all. So, I'd been praying and trying to keep it together, but then, that night, I started listening to a Family Talk show about homeschooling. The guest was pretty adamant about children not being placed in any kind of school until they're 8-10 years old! He had research to back up his opinion (all about emotional and educational damage that pre-school and early schooling does...). So, of course, I was affected by this broadcast. So, I asked Deron what he thought and, after a lengthy discussion, we determined that we believe MDO is the right place for Colin right now. We said if he doesn't do well, we'll take him out or reconsider how much he goes. However, we think that since we don't live near family, it gives Colin some time away from Mama and time with another adult other than his parents. Also, I think I'll be a better Mom for having some time alone. Not to mention the social factor that Colin is going to benefit from. I don't want to be motivated by guilty feelings, but rather by the Lord and by the logical assertions I can make with the mind He gave me.

So, when we got Colin up this morning, I was still feeling a bit of trepidation about the whole thing, but we prayed about it and went on our way. When we got there, the halls were filled with the cries of children being dropped off... oh dear!! However, when we got to Colin's class, he was happy to be there and started playing with some toys! We gave him kisses and left. Colin noticed a few seconds later and started crying, but it only lasted for a minute. I got teary eyed about it all, though. A sweet Mom in the hall saw me crying and said she felt the same way the first time but loves it now! That was encouraging. I was able to get it together by the time Deron walked me out to the car.

I determined that I would make a small list of things I want to get done each Tuesday (and optional Fridays) that Colin is in MDO. I also want to keep some time open for fun/leisurely things I want to do that I can't do with Colin. So, this morning, I went to Panera Bread, had a bagel and tea and did my Bible study for Friend to Friend! It was so lovely being able to focus on the Word and listen to God. (It made me realize I need to set aside more time each day more than just my quiet time at night... I think I'm able to focus better during the day... but that's a post for another time...). After Bread Co, I went to Target looking for a toilet for Colin and some other stuff we need. I was able to take my time and use the restroom at my leisure ;)

However, I began to notice, even at Bread Co, all of the Moms with their little ones. It really started giving me some guilty feelings. I wanted to have a sign on a necklace that says "Mom- kid's at school" or something to identify myself! It's so weird, and sort of lonely, without Colin! I'm so used to my little sidekick! It really made me miss him. And the more I saw kids with their Moms, the more guilt I felt until I realized I was being driven, once again, by guilt. I had to hand it over to God knowing He doesn't deal in misplaced guilty feelings, but rather in grace knowing that His daughter (me) is pretty independent and needs some alone time every now and then...

After that, I went home and made tomato soup and grilled cheese for lunch (also not something I normally do with Colin- it's usually something quick...). My list for the day was to do some through vacumming (move furniture, etc- especially in Colin's room...). I also worked on our peeling paint issue. It was so nice to get so much done!

I was ready to go get Colin at 3pm, though! :) I met Deron in the hall and we went to get him. One of the teachers was holding him and he looked happy but super tired (he normally naps 2-3 hours a day but he's only going to nap and hour or an hour and a half at MDO...). He napped well, they said, after having some trouble falling asleep, but he napped the longest of the kiddos.
He was a bit of a stumbly, tired guy when I got him home but I decided that we'd keep him up til bedtime and just do an early bedtime. We happen to have small group Tuesday nights and therefore our babysitter comes. Oh dear! Double whammy Tuesdays for Colin! He was so tired, though, that she said that if she kept him active, he was ok. He went to bed early and when we got home, he was sleeping hard! Whew! What a day- he's all tuckered out!

I'm looking forward to more Tuesdays- and some Fridays- but for now, I'm glad to have the rest of the week with my sweet boy! We're so thankful to God for giving him a good day and for providing MDO. When I have God driving my decisions, and not guilt, I can see so much of how helpful and good it's going to be.

Staycation- August 2010

This past week we took our first "staycation" as a family of 3! In fact, it was actually our first staycation ever! Since being married, we have always gone somewhere with a purpose (conferences, visits to family, work trips with a little fun after work hours, etc) or we've gone somewhere on a vacation. Deron had a week of vacation left before he "lost" it when his year starts over in October. We'd been needing a little time together and Deron needed some rest, so it seemed like providential timing!

We really enjoyed the time together and the opportunity to see more of our own city. We got some great suggestions from friends here. For the most part, we stayed home and relaxed, but we did take about an outing a day. With taking afternoon naps, which are tough to skip, we got back home for nap time everyday. It was nice, seeing that we were in our own town, to be able to feel free to give him his naps and not feel like we were wasting money or opportunity to see a new town. We really tried to keep it pretty family oriented, but we still wanted to go to a few friend things...
We also took some time to work on our new vanity in our bathroom.

Here's what we did!

Monday- we slept in a little, played around the house and then, during Colin's nap, I (Natalie) went to Target for 3, yes 3, hours!! Outrageous! But it was super relaxing and fun for me and quite a treat!

Tuesday- We took Colin to his 3rd of 3 storytimes at the library- cute stuff! We browsed a bit afterwards too. That night we went to our small group's pool party. Colin loved the baby pool and especially swimming around with (mostly) Dad in the big pool! Mom joined at the end.

Wednesday-We went to Chesterfield in the morning. We went to Target (necessary and for fun...), ate at Chick-fil-a (such a treat!) and went to the mall to use our Groupon coupon at Gap! That night we grilled burgers and roasted marshmallows!

Thursday- Our super special trip- we went to the Magic House (St Louis Children's Museum) in Kirkwood, MO. We LOVED it! Colin loved it- We felt like he would have spent all day there and not get bored. We hardly even skimmed the surface on stuff to do there. We discussed getting a membership since it does save money over the long haul. If we do it, we'll get it for a birthday present for Colin in April since it's not great timing to buy it and, although he really enjoyed it, it would probably be better if he was a bit older. All in all, it was a great visit! After that, we went to 5 Guys Burgers and Fries for lunch- Deron's choice. My first time eating there- it was a gooood! I'm not a big burger person, but it was a great burger and some fabulous bbq sauce. The fries, which I'm not a huge fan of either, were great too!!

Friday- we worked on our vanity and stayed around the house- that night we went to dinner with our friends the Scoggins! It was nice to visit with friends since we'd been just the 3 of us most of the week. We were missing people! :)

Saturday-we worked on the vanity again and, since that took more time than we expected, we spent a night in.

Not to mention trips to Wal-Mart, Target, going on walks, Natalie getting to run a bit longer (and Colin came along!)- while Deron got to play video games for the first time in over a year!- and a few ice cream treats :)

All in all, we really enjoyed our time together, but as a rule, I think vacations away might be more relaxing. Somehow, maybe for me, it was hard to break away from the normal stuff (laundry, cooking, dishes...). It was a treat, though, to do normal things but with more leisure and with some help from Deron! I'm learning I need to be a Mary, not a Martha- relax and enjoy time with God and time with family instead of allowing myself to get distracted with what needs to be done.

Colin LOVED having his Dada around for the whole week, too! He walks around saying "Dada" constantly and loved to help him with the vanity- he's super curious about how things work- screws, nails, bolts, hammer--- generally all tools.

Colin also picked up a great habit this week- or at least solidified what was already there- when he wakes up in the morning, he calls out (rather loudly) to Dada!! :) So, I figure, hey- he wants you, not me! ;) Nah, we take turns getting him, but still- the kid loves his Dada!

So the staycation was a success in terms of relaxing, spending time together, and seeing our town! We'll likely do it again in the future, at least some of the time!

If anyone who reads this has any ideas about staycation fun, I'd love to hear ideas!

Mid Year Resolution...Blogging! This Fall...

Well, blogging doesn't seem to be my strong suit but let's try again...

Colin is nearly 17 months old. He's growing up quickly and is a very happy boy!

Colin began walking on July 4th weekend. He's been loving the freedom!

The challenge, now, is getting him to walk in the direction I lead rather than the one he's inclined to go. We'll start working on this and I imagine with age, he'll get used to it!

This week begins the Fall semester for Bible studies and school!

Colin begins Mom's Day Out (MDO) next week. We're praying he does well. It'll be a good time of socialization for him and a nice time of relaxation/getting things done for me! Colin doesn't do THAT well when we leave him in Sunday School or with babysitters (he eventually calms down...), so we are praying he adjusts well to his teachers and loves them and the class!

I'm teaching the Turtles class this semester at Friend 2 Friend, the women's Bible study at my church. The kids in the class range between 17 and 24 months. The last few semesters, I've worked in the Butterflies class which is a 11-16month old class. I enjoyed Butterflies and I'll miss that age group, but it will be fun to try a different class! Also, my own little Colin will be in my Turtles class which will allow me to spend a little more time with him than away from him seeing that he's starting MDO this semester. I'm looking forward to working in the class with the kiddos I worked with last semester, teaching with my friend Kelly again and studying the Bible with a great group of ladies after F2F!

We're looking forward to making lots of memories this semester!